When your child doesn't want to hug...
In the run up to Christmas one year, I read a piece about the challenges of family visits where grandparents (or other relatives) want and expect hugs and kisses that children are uncomfortable about.
I shared the piece with the parents in my Nurture group in the Library (we began each group with the children playing with puzzles, teddies or small world toys while the parents and I chatted about... well, anything really). I was struck by the conversation in reaction to the piece - so many parents recalling times they'd been forced to kiss and hug relatives when they didn't want to.
These memories were still strong 20 or 30 years later, and many hadn't realised they were continuing the custom.
These conversations prompted me to search for other articles (I've put links below and short excerpts to give an idea of content).
One clear message coming through is that we can't really try to teach children that their bodies are their own, then turn around at holiday times and tell them they must hug or kiss someone they don't want to.
So, have a read through the pieces below and, if you're interested, see my longer piece here which discuss how you could use
my Lulu story, Lulu Gets a CAT to discuss issues of consent and autonomy with very young children (and in a context that is not to do with sexual relationships).
Articles -
There are quotes and 'best bits from each article below the heading.
Click on the article title to read the original.
This holiday season, let kids choose who they hug
By Katherine at A Mighty Girl
'The many gatherings of family and friends during the holiday season give parents a special chance to teach their daughters an empowering lesson: you don't owe anyone your physical affection.
I shared the piece with the parents in my Nurture group in the Library (we began each group with the children playing with puzzles, teddies or small world toys while the parents and I chatted about... well, anything really). I was struck by the conversation in reaction to the piece - so many parents recalling times they'd been forced to kiss and hug relatives when they didn't want to.
These memories were still strong 20 or 30 years later, and many hadn't realised they were continuing the custom.
These conversations prompted me to search for other articles (I've put links below and short excerpts to give an idea of content).
One clear message coming through is that we can't really try to teach children that their bodies are their own, then turn around at holiday times and tell them they must hug or kiss someone they don't want to.
So, have a read through the pieces below and, if you're interested, see my longer piece here which discuss how you could use
my Lulu story, Lulu Gets a CAT to discuss issues of consent and autonomy with very young children (and in a context that is not to do with sexual relationships).
Articles -
There are quotes and 'best bits from each article below the heading.
Click on the article title to read the original.
This holiday season, let kids choose who they hug
By Katherine at A Mighty Girl
'The many gatherings of family and friends during the holiday season give parents a special chance to teach their daughters an empowering lesson: you don't owe anyone your physical affection.
the ritual of demanding affection from children on cue is one of those tiny, everyday little lessons in which we teach children — especially girls — that they are to tailor their emotional responses to please others
observes blogger Kasey Edwards in a Daily Life op-ed.
By letting kids decide whether to greet someone with a hug or a kiss, parents can teach the basics of consent and bodily autonomy as early as the toddler years.
And, such lessons can have an impact for years to come as Girl Scouts' development psychologist Andrea Bastianai Archibald explains:
By letting kids decide whether to greet someone with a hug or a kiss, parents can teach the basics of consent and bodily autonomy as early as the toddler years.
And, such lessons can have an impact for years to come as Girl Scouts' development psychologist Andrea Bastianai Archibald explains:
The notion of consent may seem very grown-up and like something that doesn't pertain to children, but the lessons girls learn when they're young about setting physical boundaries and expecting them to be respected last a lifetime.
Reminder: She doesn't owe anyone a hug. Not even at the holidays.
Girl Scouts' development psychologist Andrea Bastianai Archibald
Girl Scouts' development psychologist Andrea Bastianai Archibald
Think of it this way, telling your child that she owes someone a hug either just because she hasn't seen this person in a while or because they gave her a gift can set the stage for her questioning whether she "owes" another person any type of physical affection when they've bought her dinner or done something else seemingly nice for her later in life.
I don't own my child's body
Katie Hetter
...Hetter also points out that allowing children to refuse hugs does not mean allowing them to be rude:
Katie Hetter
...Hetter also points out that allowing children to refuse hugs does not mean allowing them to be rude:
She has be polite when greeting people, whether she knows them or not.
When family and friends say hello, I give her the option of "a hug or a high-five"
Since she's been watching adults greet each other with a handshake, she sometimes offers that option. We talk about high-fives so often she's started using them to meet anyone, which can make the start of any social occasion look like a touchdown celebration.'